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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Hit Me Baby One More Time

I got the fever, baby fever, and the only prescription is more babies!

I wasn't sure how I was going to write about this because it is a subject I could not be more wishy-washy about.  Please bear with me as you navigate my crazy thoughts.

Since I was a young girl I have said I was going to have 3 kids. 

I made my husband promise me we would have 2 1/2 kids by the time we were 30.

I was also going to live in a mansion and drive a Jeep and run my own musical college because there had to be people like me who can only memorize things when they are set to music.

So real life comes along.  I had my son when I was 24 and his arrival terrified me into putting off trying for our second.  Then when we felt ready, who could have known it would take us over 2 years.  As the story goes, when we stopped trying, I got pregnant.

My kids are 6 years apart.  I felt like if we were going to have another, it should be sooner rather than later.  My husband was done. 

As strong and rational as he is , he is a complete worrywart when it comes to me and babies.  I can't say I blame him.  He saw what our son went through in the NICU, he saw what I went through after our daughter was born and I ended up with an infection from my c-section. 

I tried to say that I went through these things and I was still willing to try again, but he was really firm in being done.

For a few years, I maybe might have wished for a "happy accident", but then I realized we had to make a decision.  I didn't want to resent him for not fulfilling a dream of mine, and I also wanted him to really hear why I wanted another.

The conversations were insane.  I went from demanding one more kid to thinking how lucky, how truly lucky we were to have 2 healthy kids and that I was being selfish to want another.  We weighed how much we love babies against how it was kind of nice that our kids were in the "put on your coats and go" stage.  No strollers, diaper bags, pack and plays to worry about.

I have been home with the kids for a few years now, and I know some of my panic is that I will have to get back out to the real world someday.  I just think the one thing I'm good at and have a passion for is being a mom, and even though the job never ends, it doesn't require me being home 24/7.

So, we made the decision that we were done and most days I am fine with it.  In my heart of hearts I am okay with it. 

When I hold a baby though, all bets are off.  Even when we stayed with my sister after each of her boys were born, in the throws of newborn madness, I missed it.  My husband looked at me like"aren't you glad we're done with that?" and I'm not, I really loved it.  I did not love being pregnant, but newborn babies...ahhh, that's the stuff.

I got to spend the day with my 3 month old nephew yesterday and it was great.  I am starting to realize that I will have babies in my life and I will love them and care for them and delight in all the new things they do.  I did think it was funny that my nephew took a 2 hour nap and I pretty much watched him sleep the whole time.  I would have never done that with mine.  That would have been my chance to sleep, clean, get stuff done.  I am starting to see the benefits of spending time with babies instead of having my own.

However, should an adorable baby find its way to my doorstep like in the movies, it's mine!! 

1 comment:

Devon said...

I promise when I have mine, I'll be rich enough to have you as a live in nanny. I am not a 'baby person'. i'm glad there are people in this world that are.

kids on the other hand, wonderful things. I'll pick them up when they're 5 ;)