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Friday, January 27, 2012

The Brick Wall

My husband and I have a lot in common.  We like doing the same activities.  We have a very similar sense of humor, and we both can be insanely stubborn.

We have been married for almost 15 years and I know this may sound insane, but we have gotten really good at arguing.

There was a time when we first moved in together that we would fight over the littlest things.  One day, I was emptying the dishwasher and I placed the glasses upside down in the cabinet.  My wonderful soulmate came in and informed me that we put the glasses right side up.  There was a lively debate (ha-ha, who am I kidding, I'm pretty sure I said , "That's stupid" ten times) and I remember getting so frustrated that I got in my car and left.

I am not proud of this, it was insanely immature, but I was 23 and I really didn't know better.  I didn't realize then that you could actually disagree with your soulmate, you don't have to agree on everything.  It's not an "I love you" and magically you think as one forever and ever.  Also, I only drove around the block because after all it wasn't the end of the world.

Through the years I have had to learn things through my mistakes.  You can bet that if there's a lesson to be learned, I usually learn it the hard way.  Did you know that husbands aren't mind readers?  It's amazing that if I am at home taking care of the kids and I think, "Wouldn't it be nice if my husband came home tonight, told me he got a sitter and whisked me off to a movie?", the thought does not magically transport to my husband's brain who is thinking about not hitting the traffic going to The Cape on a Friday so he can just get home and relax already.

I have learned to ask for what I need and sometimes what I just want.  This doesn't let him off the hook completely, a girl likes a little romance and seriously, if a guy can't come up with something, GOOGLE IT.  In this day and age of technology there is no excuse for not being able to do something romantic every once in awhile.  You're welcome.

We have learned that a little bickering here and there is good for us, it gets out the little annoying things that can build up.  We've learned that if there is something big to talk about that we don't agree on, we have to wait until we're both ready to talk about it.  Just because I'm fired up and ready and may or may not have a power point presentation ready to prove my point, doesn't mean he's ready to have the discussion.  Also, I tend to get emotional about things and sometimes we just need to take a break.

We have a newer rule, and that is that we can't both be a brick wall.  There are some things we just won't ever agree on.  This is where that fancy word compromise comes in.  When we're in the middle of something, that's getting nowhere, one of us says "brick wall" and we know that one of us has to back down.  It isn't always easy and there are times I know we walk away thinking that we gave in, but so far, it's never been something we've regretted.  It always feels better to get along.

I would never presume that we have it all figured out.  Like many of you, we have "that" argument.  You know, the one, that no matter when or where it pops up, you think, "I can't believe we're talking about this again!  I thought we solved this last time! I was going to______ and he was going to_____, what the heck?!"  It probably won't ever go away, but that's ok.  Each time we have it, we get a little better at it.

This is just a small part of what our marriage is, we certainly aren't fighting all the time and I think we are generally pretty happy.  It isn't always easy, but it is always worth it.

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